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Books offer insight into parenting challenges

When Things Get Crazy with your Teen by Michael Bradley. New York: McGraw-Hill, 2008.
Smart Parenting During and After Divorce by Peter Favaro. New York: McGraw-Hill, 2009
Reviewed by Reuel S. Amdur

These two books deal with problems that families face. Bradley discusses living with teens and Favaro addresses how to end a marriage with the least grief for all involved, the parents and the children.

Raising a teenager and being a teenager are both challenging experiences. Michael Bradley, a psychologist who specializes in working with this age group, wrote When Things Get Crazy with your Teen – a useful book about how to establish limits, while emphasizing the importance of allowing teens to learn from their mistakes, to the extent that is safe.

Bradley stresses the importance of listening. “Stay calm.” “Speak more of expectations, less of rules.” “Constantly emphasize that the expectations are because of love for the teen.”

He also calls on parents to prioritize their issues. A messy bedroom or sloppy dress is probably not worth going to war over. School is more important but even that is not the most important. There is always the possibility of making up for poor scholastic efforts later. The issues that are central are “such things as compassion, honesty, commitment, loyalty, drugs, or violence.”

The author’s practical list of problems and approaches is extremely helpful. Poor body image, disrespect, aggressiveness, anger, swearing, drugs and alcohol, self-mutilation, depression – these and other topics are discussed. He also talks about when to get help and where to find it.

However, there are some areas in the book where one might want to use a different twist. For example, in discussing a teen with attention deficit hyperactive disorder, Bradley recommends professional help but does not comment on the importance of working with the school.

When it comes to a teen announcing that he no longer subscribes to the family religion, Bradley calls for tolerance but also suggests that you “ask where your teen’s ‘code’ originates (right and wrong, ethics of behaviour, significance of life).” Perhaps that is too much to expect at this stage. It might be better to ask, “Tell me what you believe.” But the message of acceptance is still right on.

Finally, a word about sex. Bradley emphasizes the importance of many small discussions about all aspects of sexuality. His approach is as a last resort to restrict the teen’s freedom temporarily “for safety.”

Realistically, with just shy of half of all teens and a greater proportion of older teens engaging in sexual activity, such an approach may be counterproductive. It is better is to ensure that the young person is aware of the risks (sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy) and of contraceptive measures.

As well, it is important to instil in the young person the importance of not being exploitative and of treating a sexual partner with caring and respect. Teens also need to have sufficient self-esteem that they do not feel they must “put out” in order to be accepted.

All in all, this is an excellent how-to book for the parents of teens. Peter Favaro, author of Smart Parenting During and After Divorce, is a psychologist with many years of experience in working on marriage breakdown, primarily in New York family courts.

Favaro’s advice, based as it is on long years of work in the field, is common sense for the most part, but common sense often goes by the board when the matters are as personal as they get in a marriage break-up.

The most useful part of the book addresses issues that arise in the haggling between the two marriage partners. The key in all things is to be civilized. Avoid even a hint of rancor in communications, and if that is not possible have the communications go between lawyers.

If you lack tact in the situation, choose a lawyer who can communicate tactfully. This will save time and money and avoid more grief than is necessary.

The same civilized demeanour should continue after the divorce in dealing with issues related to the children – visitation, phone contacts with the children, medical and school issues. Favaro provides detailed examples of what to say and what not to say.

When it comes to new partners, he points out various pitfalls. He recommends waiting two years before introducing a new partner to children, because children should not be confused by a succession of candidates.

A drawback of the book for Canadian readers is that much of it speaks specifically to the American situation. He goes into great detail about who’s who in the court and how to comport oneself with the various players in the court setting.

In Canada, most divorces are uncontested and settled by documents presented by lawyers to the court, typically without the parties to the divorce having to make an appearance.

Favaro provides detailed questions to ask when choosing a lawyer and discusses how to work with a lawyer. The questions are more appropriate in a case that goes to court: “Do you settle or try most of your cases?” “How long have you been working in the field of law?” “Are there judges that do not care for you?” In that same vein, there are recommendations about how to behave in court.

Staying in a marriage or not, Bradley’s book provides useful guidance on dealing with your troublesome teen, and if you are chucking it all in, you could do a lot worse than heeding Favaro’s well thought-out guide book to cutting the knot with the least mess possible.